


You Only Know You Love When You Let Her Go

by Bvnnyboy



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Gore, Violence, tw:death, tw:mention of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 17:31:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17832989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bvnnyboy/pseuds/Bvnnyboy
Summary: title and tags say it alldon't read if death or mention of blood gore or violence bother you





	You Only Know You Love When You Let Her Go

The pounding in Olivia's head made her ears ring. 

“Please tell me your kidding Carisi.” Olivia seared through her teeth. Carisi hesitated to answer. 

“I’m sorry Liv, I wish I was. She’s in critical condition but they think she might make it.” Carisi eventually said, which only created more tension in the dimly lit waiting room of the hospital. Olivia turned and faced the wall, trying to not let Carisi see her cry. 

“Lieutenant. You can see her now if you’d like.” a nurse said peering into the lobby. Olivia sighed and walked toward the middle-aged white woman who clung to a clipboard. The room was quiet and the only noise was the heart machine beeping. 

Amanda looked like a science experiment gone wrong. She was bruised and battered, she had wires coming from each arm, which pumped fluids into her system. 

“Oh my god manda, I’m so sorry,” Olivia said as the nurse exited the room, closing the door behind her. 

Amanda made a small noise as Olivia sat on the seat that was next to Amanda’s bed and took hold of Amanda’s hand. It was bandaged and Olivia could feel how limp and cold it was. Amanda struggled to open her eyes, half of her face was bandaged up and the bandages had blood soaked into them. Olivia knew she was never going to see out of her right eye again.

Usually, Olivia kept a close eye on Amanda during investigations but this time she slipped up. Amanda had walked into a house where they had been told the suspect was, without the bomb squad and had opened a freezer full of dynamite. Olivia got up to the house right as they pulled Amanda's body out from the rubble, she was so badly beaten up that they had declared her dead right then and there. And they might have even put her in a body bag if she hadn’t started screaming. 

Olivia had expected them to only be in surgery for a few hours, but those few hours turned into 12 hours. At one point Olivia watched over 5 nurses rush into the operating room. She could hear screaming coming inside and had nearly fainted right there in the lobby if Carisi hadn’t gotten her outside into the fresh air. 

Olivia let go of Amanda's hand as a doctor entered the room and called for her. 

“How bad is she?” Olivia asked immediately. The doctor bit his lip and looked at his charts

“Pretty. Her right arm is shattered, we might end up having to amputate it, and both her legs are broken. Her right eye is dead and we had to remove it. Along with most of her right teeth and jaw. Olivia it might be best to look into a do not resuscitate. It’d save her the suffering and even if she did heal, she’d be basically a vegetable.” The doctor choked out. Olivia looked crazily at him. 

“I- She struggled to speak. -How soon would it happen?” She shakily asked. The doctor unclipped a paper from his clipboard and handed it to Olivia how swiftly began to read it.

“We could do it in the next 2 hours. Which I know is a bit soon but she’s already suffering.” The doctor replied quietly. 

Olivia could feel her eyes welling with globs of tears, she didn’t want to do this but she knew she had to. She couldn’t with a good conscious let Amanda suffer. Full recovery or not. 

“Fine. let's do it.” Olivia said signing the paper. She handed it back to the doctor who went into Amanda’s room and delivered the news. 

Olivia sat down at one of the chairs and took in a breath. Was she really about to euthanize her own wife? Who was a decorated detective with a loving family, who Olivia knew would never talk to her after this? Her head began to fill with the worst kinds of thoughts as she sobbed into her lap. Carisi rushed over to Olivia with a coffee.

“Hey, Liv what’s wrong?” “I’m going to have to let Amanda die soon.” Olivia sobbed out. Carisi was so shocked he nearly dropped the coffee he held in his hand. He set them on the floor and put his hands in Olivia’s. 

“Liv I- it’ll be ok. It’s probably for the best.” Carisi said. 

The next two hours went by in a haze. Olivia mostly paced through the lobby and at one point had to go outside to throw up. Carisi never left her side, he made sure she was all there and that she was going to be ok. Which Olivia didn’t think she was going to be. 

Soon. it came time. The doctor called Olivia into the room and she hastily entered. She sat at Amanda’s bedside as several over nurses entered the room and began to remove the needles that sat in Amanda’s arm. Olivia kept murmuring ‘I love you’s’ and ‘it’ll all be over soon’ into Amanda’s only good ear as she ran a hand through Amanda’s half shaven hair. Amanda groaned every once in a while. Eventually, the main doctor came in and asked for all of the nurses but one to exit, soon it was him, the nurse and Olivia. 

“So Olivia what I’m going to do is have Courtney give Amanda some morphine to numb the pain so she can pass peacefully. It’ll make it so once we turn off life support. she’ll just go right to sleep. Olivia watched a nurse inject a stream of morphine into the only IV left in Amanda’s arm. The nurse then moved towards the life support machine and typed in something and without hesitation, turned it off. Amanda began to groan as the beeping began to flatline. Olivia buried her face in Amanda’s neck as Amanda stopped moving completely. The doctor scribbled something onto his clipboard and motioned for Olivia to exit the room. Olivia couldn’t stop sobbing. Carisi had to nearly carry Olivia out of the hospital and out to a squad car where Fin was waiting to take her room.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry to put you through that lol
> 
> I just wanted to get back into writing rolivia
> 
> and uhhhh
> 
> this happened 
> 
> sorry if I made you cry
> 
> or die inside.


End file.
